Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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