your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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