I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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