Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
