you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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