I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Vodka?
Forever.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
