Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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