My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
