So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
