The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
