"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
