Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
