She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
