Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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