I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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