Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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