I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
