Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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