your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
