glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
