My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
