Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I think your dad took our porno
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
