You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
