I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
