totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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