I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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