I met the friendliest cop last night
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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