She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
