You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
