I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
