my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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