i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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