what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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