i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
