There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
