JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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