The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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