and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
