she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
