community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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