We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
