Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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