i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
