i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
