The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
