guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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