Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
