My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
