You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
