So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
