I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
